Janka Fairy with cat ear headcovering

Janka Fairy with cat ear headcovering

I am a perfectionist.  Don’t get me wrong…not the kind where you will come into my house and find everything in its place, even the magazines organized and alphabetized.  You won’t see me huddled over a kitchen floor with a toothbrush, or holding something up to the light to make sure every speck of grime and dust has been eradicated.  No.

In fact, I will most likely close my eyes to these things.  I am the kind of perfectionist that thinks “well, just forget the whole thing, then” if it can’t be just right.  So, here’s how it plays out:

-I spend far too many hours in angst over the mess in my home than actually trying to do something about it.

-I am a constant kvetcher about my life…how I am not fulfilled, realized or working to my potential (maybe a habit of feeling starting with my many report cards and parental admonitions “does not work to potential”).

-I covet other people’s lives…the Amish, the Chassidic Jews, any people that were born into a strong WAY and tradition…with no questions of who they are, what they believe and what their lives should look like.

I have decided that at 36, and mother to three little children who should not have perfectionism inflicted upon them, that it is time to live my life as it is.  It is time to stop pining and wishing for something else to arrive to “make it better” or “fix it finally”.  This is who I am, and I want to find all of the hidden treasures that my life holds for me as it is now, today.  I want to strip away all of the excess and end up with an authentic life, lived as G-d intended, as myself.

When I look at the world at large (including myself) I see a culture asleep to authentic living.  I think that in our culture, we no longer have any sense of PLACE or PURPOSE. We move so fast, and are always going from point A to B….and so we are never settled into a place, or making a home with the piece of land G-d has blessed us with. Because of that, I am trying to stay in Glastonbury, CT for the whole summer, except family trips, to stop moving so much. Also, we have no sense of purpose. We have no connection to the production of our food, our clothes, and we keep all of those things at an arm’s length from us. We hate discomfort of any kind. Then, we open our arms wide to things like media, fast paced culture, leisure and intellectual pursuits (or their “spiritual”  equivalents). We don’t even question whether these things are good for us as humans. I feel like my eyes are opened to this so much more nowadays, and struggle with having Facebook, television, internet etc… We were designed to live by THE LABOR OF OUR HANDS….and that is lost for us.

I am going to get a big washtub and washboard for washing our laundry.  This could be a start, right?

I heard at a Quaker Meeting someone talking about going to a big “mega-church”, and how the sub-woofers shook him in his seat, the huge speakers all around, the dramatic lighting, the band wailing and crying on stage….and he quipped, “with all of that, why would they need the Holy Spirit?”. Not that those things are bad (I used to be that girl in the band at another unnamed megachurch)…but we have to be careful not to FILL ourselves with so much noise and emotional machinations that we think we are hearing G-d. It is in silence, simplicity and living by the sweat of our own brow that we hear the Spirit working inside of us. The rest of it is just laces and bows. The real garment of G-d is to sit in silence and simplicity before H-m, and see how He speaks with the quiet and still voice to our hearts.

This is where all of my longings are coming from nowadays…from this deep search for Place and Purpose….and to realize that I will never be Perfect….but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t continue to plug along.  I want to wake up new and renewed every morning, and walk on the path that G-d has designed me for….no matter if it doesn’t look like the Culture At Large.

This blog is my attempt to document at least the beginnings of this journey, and how it plays out in my daily life.  Accountability (even if virtual) is always good.