My good friend Julie had a Blessing Way last night in anticipation of the birth of her fourth child.  A Blessing Way is a new-fangled Baby Shower…sometimes filled with sentimentality and symbolism.  Think painting Henna, aromatherapy, foot rubs….  There is usually a circle, where all the participants impart a “Blessing” to the honoree.  This could be in the form of a letter, poetry…anything personal.  Julie and I have laughed about the idea of having one of these thrown in our honour.  We are both of the same mind in this:  sentimental inside of ourselves, but bristling at the idea of a whole night of sentimentality aimed at us.  So, when asked for a submission to be read to Julie (for those of us that live too far to attend), I jumped at the chance to make sure she got a good laugh, but still in the spirit of a Blessing Way.  So…here is my composition for her.  I had some fun with a rhyming dictionary.

WARNING….it is not overly innocent or clean.  This is a poem best understood by those who have given birth…or been there for the birth of their child.  If you haven’t yet had children, it may swear you off the process and make you consider adoption….;)  I do not intend it to be offensive to anyone…so if you are easily offended, please do not read!

Ode to Julie’s Vagina

(from the only friend who could write such a thing….)

To be read in a dramatic and commanding fashion, with large flourishes and gesturing…perhaps with a lute or harpsichord accompaniment.

The world within a world far south from Julie’s head

Lies a secret garden, played with much in bed.

Oh Vagina, Tube of Greatness,

How I laud your covert ways,

Of producing bouts of pleasure

and sometimes sullen days.

I wonder if you’ve lost

the nubile structure of your youth,

If you flop and fly much like old lips

Loose from loss of tooth.

The passage of three children,

And G-d help us now one more;

May cause you to compare yourself

To a revolving door.

The hairs upon your head,

Have they fallen silver grey?

Do all your parts meet their intent,

All working still, I pray?

I ask you bless this meeting,

But not with noxious fumes;

Bless us please with your beauty fair,

Like a flower in its bloom.

Upon the fiery crowning

Of the baby’s head so round,

May you open wide enough

To release that precious mound.

And when she falls upon Julie’s breast,

Do not think I’ve forgot;

That the most important job was done by you

In a supported squat.

Upon coughing, laughing or sneezing,

When you leak uncontrollably;

May Julie always think of you, and NOT deplorably.

Oh Vagina how I love you,

And if rugs I loved to munch;

Yours would be the first I’d taste,

The first I’d take to lunch.

Oh Vagina, do your duty,

As you march on the front line;

When you return in glory,

I’ll build for you a shrine.

I’ll dress you up in ribbons,

I’ll tie you up in bows.

Forever memorialized in verse

And the greatest works of prose.

And when your fortress walls are felled,

And darkness close at hand;

Your pale of youth will shimmer on

In my thoughts of you so grand.

I was encouraged to publish this….I guess there is a need for Vagina poetry out there?  So, I am publishing it here.  If you know someone who would get a kick out of this poem read to them at a Blessing Way or Baby Shower, feel free to use it…just give me credit for it (Reba Dragon)!  Maybe I will be able to make a name for myself in the new frontier of absurd Baby Shower literature or something.  Just remember to change Julie’s name!

PS:  for some reason, wordpress won’t allow me to put spaces in between stanzas.  It has a nicer form with the breaks…..