I have hesitated posting this…because I realize that it just adds to my outward appearance of being:

“wishy washy”, “flip-floppy”, “unstable”, “crazy”, “lost”, “non-commital”, “unable to rest”….(all quotes at one time or another directed at me in response to my seeming inability to “pick a religion”.

Just my last post was about going to the Russian Orthodox Church, and hoping that we found “home”.  We were supposed to all be getting baptized and chrismated today…the entire family.  Well, we are not, we are here at home.  I am sitting in the bed writing on wordpress.  My children are running around in the yard, and my husband is putzing around getting ready to start tilling and planting our “back acre”.  Once again, we have left a particular movement or “religious expression” because we are simply square pegs when you get right down to it.

It all started when I discovered that at my chrismation, I would have to denounce Judaism OUT LOUD, since I come from Jewish background.  The thought of this caused me to break down crying, and I couldn’t even speak about it.  Not only was I crying about the thought of denouncing a faith and Way that I don’t believe needs denouncing…but I was crying because I knew that I would not be able to continue on the path to finally belonging somewhere.  I knew I could not make that proclamation, and would have to say goodbye, once again, to something I thought would be “the answer”.

I spoke to my husband about this, and unloaded onto him all my feelings of failure.  I’m not giving our children the stability of a spiritual and religious home, I am not giving them a heritage and a Way, I am so filled up with angst over myself and a need for self-identification that I am not helping my children connect with G-d.  My own strugglings and failings throw my family into a state of disharmony.  The inner-dialogue (or rather monologue) begins…

My husband, who rarely offers much in the way of verbal communication, looked at me and with great thought said, “R, maybe that’s just who you are.  Maybe G-d didn’t make you to fit into one particular religion, creed or path on purpose.  Maybe all of those parts of yourself…Jewish, Quaker, Orthdodox, Celtic, alien Mars worship, whatever….are actually all part of YOU.  Maybe it’s time for you to stop trying to make yourself SOMETHING you’re not, and just be EVERYTHING you are.  We are never going to be content in a dogmatic approach to G-d and religion, that’s not who we are.”

Well.  For the man who I can barely get to say, “I’d love pasta for dinner, thanks”…he sure unloaded onto me a huge helping of Truth and Reality that I needed to hear.  I was leveled to the ground, humbled and ravished.  Laid bare for me was the fact that I am exhausted.  I have completely drained all of my own resources, my own attempts, my own strivings.  I can no longer try to fit this square peg of a Soul into all these shiny looking round holes I see about me.  Instead of looking for G-d in boxes, I am going to take him out of the box.  I am going to put my “faith” to the test.  If I really believe in this powerful, loving Creator that knows me and wants relationship with me…then He will make available to me the connections and resources that I need.  I have to trust H-m, and H-m alone…not a system or Man’s explanation of H-m. 

I guess that means that I am no longer cheating on you, George…I am putting G-d above dogma, Christ above Word, and Spirit above religion.  Please, G-d…that I would STAY IN  THIS PLACE AND LEARN TO REST IN YOU!

My temptation is to go back into my pattern, and look for an “identification” for “what I am now”.  For instance, I have been pouring over these books about Celtic and Gnostic Christianity…so I think “Maybe I’ll be THIS now”.  Instead, I stop myself, and look deep into the words I am reading and search out the Divine Spark…that piece devoid of identification but ripe with resonation.  This is my new practice.  The rest is ribbons and bows. 

So, as I go to pray with my children at our icon corner this morning, with our Celtic prayer book, in my skirt and headcovering, and prepare a menu for our Pesach seder, and hopefully carve out some time to do some yoga during our Waldorf Homeschool day…I pray that the veil of separation and division would be lifted, and that instead I would tap into the at-ONE-ment that is who I am in G-d.

I changed the title of my blog to “unchurched” family…but maybe that is an identification as well that I don’t need.  I can’t say that we will be unchurched…..my daughter in particular is devastated about not getting baptized, so we may have it done somewhere else since it meant something to her.  Maybe my husband will baptize her in a lake.  I remain open.  If anyone has a suggestion for me for a change of my blog title…  I am hoping to start writing again, and chronicle this new perspective and how it materializes.