I posted this on facebook this morning…and am sharing as a blog post so it can be further shared….excuse the swear in the title (I know between biomom and me there might be a lot of religious folks reading this), I promise there is no other appropriate word for this…..
Many of you know my BIG story recently…but in case you don’t…adopted at a month old. At 44 years old I thought I would go to the grave never knowing my natural family. Then, a dear friend gifted me with a DNA test and 2 1/2 weeks later BAM insta-bio family. I have spent the last few months developing wonderful relationships with my parents and three full siblings.
I am eternally grateful for the nurture given to me by my adoptive family. Now, at this season of my life, I am now experiencing nature for the first time. Only an adoptee experiences these two things (nature/nurture) as separate entities. Sometimes, it is mind fuckery beyond measure. Sometimes, the grief of not knowing who your people are is so powerful that it needs to be locked away behind a smile and a facade of wholeness, never to emerge. You know you are “supposed” to not care, to “choose” who is your “real” family. If you had asked me before meeting my biological family if I wanted to know who they were, I would have quickly said, “well…it doesn’t really matter, they aren’t looking for me” and then expounded on the benefits of closed adoption. My opinion has changed.
Through this experience I have learned that DNA really does mean something. To look into the mirror of genetics really does help show you who you are. Imagine my shock to find i come from a long line of Irish extroverts (or was it not a shock lol)! They are all performers, creators, singers, lovers of words and justice, and can’t follow a map of their lives depended on it. Sound familiar?
I now proudly say that I have multiple REAL families. I have real adoptive parents and siblings, real bio parents and siblings, and I even gained some real parents and siblings when I married Matt. There is always room for more love and positive relationships in my life and the lives of my children and husband. An adoptee should never have to “choose” one over the other. I choose ALL. We are the only ones in this triad that had no choice… and now I am the biggest advocate for adoptees having open access to their original birth certificates, original identities and biological families. We should never be erased off of a family tree even if we need to be raised some where else. I now know many fellow adoptees virtually and the resounding consensus is “it is better to know than not to know”. Even those who have not had the adoptee’s fantasy reunion come true…even those who found secondary rejection and massive dysfunction on the other side…..it is better for adoptees to KNOW. It helps make them whole.
I am sharing here my biomom’s blog post about her side of this experience….for those with curiosity and maybe to help educate about the real experiences of adoption. Now that all this is out in the open, I hope my families will get to know each other. This should not be a source of shame or secrecy but of great joy and adventure.
My sister Colleen asked me if I cried when I read SM’s (shared mother’s….that is what we have been saying in shorthand) blog post. I answered this “Colleen, I am cried out. The fact that I have never had any information about the first month of my life makes the telling of it so surreal. Who the F is Elizabeth? In some ways it is who I have always been and never knew it. Rebecca is both a facade and at the same time who preserved me for all these years. I will save my tears for in person over wine. Sorry, identity crisis much?” Perhaps it is why I have so easily gone by different names…Becca, Bec, Reba in college (and Dirty, remember that?), Rebecca, Junia at church….. all I can say is, so glad to know who I am.
Here is biomom’s blog post, show her some love!!!
Scarlet Letter, No More